you’ll never know it’s driving me crazy

Each time, it just gets harder and harder.  More and more that weight that suddenly falls onto my chest.  I feel the choke rising upwards on my neck.  And theres nothing to stop it.  Its inevitable and theres nothing I could do to prepare for it.  Because just a moment beforehand, I was smiling, pretty excited.  Thought: “Time for business.”  But no.  In the end, emotions prevail over any sensible mentality you train yourself to think.  I keep saying “It’s ok, this is just a ‘see you later’ and I’ll be back home soon.” But it just isn’t fair when so many people that I love and care for, are only available during this vacation time.  It could be a year, two, or even three before I see them again.  That is time ticking.

I know that we live to progress in life, to work for something, to thrive for success, but it’s ironic that we work to earn money, so that we can go on vacations to see our family once again, when we’re already here.  What’s the point?

If I could move mountains, I would do anything to bring the Philippines so much closer, and less expensive to get there.

I personally think family comes first.  My family, in particular, I strongly believe is one of a kind.  We are composed of one grandma, a beautiful queen; four comic but responsible uncles, two aunts (one of which is my mom), fourteen grandchildren, and three great-grandchildren.  We are so tightly knit.  But even life gets in between things.

It was unfortunate that some differences became apparent and worsened as days gone by.  But in time, as so in evidence, everything fell right to place.

My mom and her siblings [Tito Jun, Daddy Bong, Tito Anoy, Tita Eve, and Tito Jess] are the strongest power team of people that I know of, by example.  My first cousins [Kuya Bok, Kuya Bing, Kuya Kulo, Ate Tin, Kuya Ton, Chino, Mico, Ken, Didoy, Bogsy, Patet, and Jeko] are so effortlessly thoughtful, funny as hell, and know how to have a good time.  My godchildren [Bubu, Ging Ging, and Brian] are the most adorable, carefree, sweet, and joyful angels! Most important of all, my grandmother, Mama Tina, is the most beautiful woman I know.  I’ve said this plenty of times before, and I’ll continue to sing it throughout my life: this woman is so beautiful.  She is the glue, the essence of this family.  She symbolizes everything I can be, and everything I can accomplish.  You can see it in her sparkling eyes and smile.  The distinctive vibrance of her voice and the warmth I feel when she hugs me.  I remember as a baby, even in my toddler years, she tossed me right on top of her as she lay on the bed and sing songs to me.  I would look at her from above and I knew this is where I belong, this is where I am welcome, this is my home.

Leaving the Philippines, leaving my family, leaving her is the ultimate HARDEST thing I ever have to do.  Only God knows if she’ll be with us next year, or the year after, or the year after that, the next five years.  But what scares me the most is NOT KNOWING if she’ll be there the next time I can come home again.  I’m scared to death that the last time I hugged and kissed her is really the last time I’ll be able to hug and kiss her.  It’s showing that she’s aging, that she’s getting old, and I can’t bare to lose her.  I can’t bare to think of her passing.  I’m gonna need her to be there when I get married.  I’m gonna need her to toss my child on top of her and sing songs and make them feel and assure them that she is their home.  I’m gonna need her to love them.

I’m gonna need my mom to get excited and make weird songs and noises to make my baby laugh and smile.  I’m gonna need my uncles to be funny, and tough so as to be the protector that my kids will feel secure.  I’m gonna need my grandma to dance, holding both hands, to my kid that just learned how to stand themselves up.

I promise myself that when I have kids, I’m gonna let them loose to the family.  No sheltering.  I’m gonna let them loose to my uncles, aunts, my grandma, my mom, my cousins because by doing that, the more people will love my kids. And the more my kids experience love, the happier they’ll be.  The more blessings they’ll have.  The more assurance that the world isn’t a cold and uncertain place, that the world is their playground and they can make anything of it.

Please lord, look after my family and friends in the Philippines.  I can’t lose them.  I’ll need them.  Please protect them from all forms of evil and continue to bless us with all life has to offer.

I hope this heartache goes away soon.  Deal with work, finish school, get my career started, just so I can see my family again.  Leave them, just to see them again.  Doesn’t make sense.. does it?


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